I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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