i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
