Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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