Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize