note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
