I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm passing your future prison.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
