I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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