he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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