I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
