I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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