I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
