Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
