I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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