Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
