The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
