I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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