tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
