Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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