The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
