my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
