then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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