I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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