I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
