im drinking this country out of the recession.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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