Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
