Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
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I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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