Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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