i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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