how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
