I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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