Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
