so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
