I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
