hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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