toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
