the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
