apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
