Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
