I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
