Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
