Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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