you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
