I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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