I smell stomach acid.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We have started to decorate penises.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
