every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We left the knife in your bed.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
