mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
