his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
