Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
