He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
