next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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