dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
