I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
