I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
