Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I love you. Go after that dick
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
