i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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