I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
