Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
